Odes to Stimulants and Depressants - Fair and Balanced Limericks

A couple of beverage day limericks:

NATIONAL COFFEE DAY

I’ve been spoiled for good coffee, it seems

Since discovering espresso machines

I keep store-bought brew distant

And don’t mention instant

Canned coffee just isn’t worth beans

NATIONAL DRINK BEER DAY

An homage to beer on its day

It’s perfection in every way

But in Afghanistan

All our beer here is canned

And to make matters worse, it’s NA

Limericks for Sep 24, 2012

Here are my entries for this week's MAD KANE HUMOR BLOG limerick contest:

This week's first line: A woman/fellow who tended to whine...

A fellow who tended to whine

Was told he'd be feeding the swine

But he discovered the gig

Involved no actual pig

And Congress never tipped him a dime

A woman who tended to whine

Didn't find her new job so divine

She said “Thanks, but no thanks,

I am going for bank!

Alaska will get along just fine.”

Limericks for Sep 17, 2012

Here are my entries for this week's MAD KANE HUMOR BLOG limerick contest:

This week's first line: A woman/fellow was trying his/her hand..

A fellow was trying his hand

At smuggling in contraband

But a problem soon arose

With the container he chose

For the airline wouldn't allow him to stand

A woman was trying her hand

At self-satisfaction (sans man)

But when her fingers slipped

T'was a sharp little nip

From the edge of her wedding band

LATE ADDITION: OK, not an exact rhyme, but if you pronounce it a certain way, it works:

ODE TO INORGANIC ANGER

A fellow once tried his hand

Making bad movies mocking Islam

Muslims then stormed the stage

With manufactured rage

Just like Democrats and Republicans

We’re Green and We’re Gold (The History of the Green Bay Packers)

Just in time for the first Packers-Bears game of the season, the history of the Green Packers put to song.

The verses are narrative, that is, spoken, but the chorus is sung. Sort of like "One Piece At A Time" by Johnny Cash.

We’re Green and We’re Gold (The History of the Green Bay Packers)

It was 1919, pretty long ago

When George Calhoun and ol’ Curly Lambeau

Said what we need is to start up a football team

The more they thought , the idea seemed sweet
And with the help of a company that packed canned meat

A legend was born and we’re still living their dream

Well, the crew they got together was lean and mean

Whuppin’ up on the likes of Beloit and Racine

And things seemed to be goin’ pretty well

But if they wanted to start themselves a tradition

Curly figured they needed better competition

So he hustled some money, and the Pack joined the NFL

CHORUS

Now we’re green and we’re gold

As the story’s often told

A small town team they tried to push around

Yeah, we’re green and we’re gold

Down the tundra we do roll

Nobody’s gonna keep our Packers down

The Packers had more talent than a person could hope

Like Johnny  Blood and the ‘Bama Antelope

Don Hutson was his name and he had hands like glue

With a sprinter’s stride and all lanky and tall

Arnie Herber had no trouble gettin’ him the ball

And once he caught it, it was off to the end zone, toodle-loo!

They were champs 6 times under Lambeau’s reign

And they played in the mud and the snow and the rain

With leather helmets, metal cleats and no face masks

It was blood and guts, we’re all in this together

And when the temps hit zero, it was Packer weather

Not counting the chill factor, in case anybody asks

CHORUS

Now we’re green and we’re gold

As the story’s often told

A small town team they tried to push around

Yeah, we’re green and we’re gold

As the autumn months unfold

Nobody’s gonna keep our Packers down

In the 1950’s things got kinda lean

There was Ronzani, Blackbourn and Scooter McLean

And the mighty Packers seemed destined for a fall

Just when it seemed we were at Death’s door

The bosses put in a call to New York

And Vince Lombardi came in to save us all

They had Hornung and Nitschke and Taylor and Starr

Taking on all comers from near and far

And won the NFL championship three years in a row

They pounded their rivals to a bloody hell

‘Til they said “Go pick on the AFL”

So Vince mustered the troops and won the first two Super Bowls

CHORUS

Now we’re green and we’re gold

As the story’s often told

A small town team they tried to push around

Yeah, we’re green and we’re gold

In a place that gets damned cold

Nobody’s gonna keep our Packers down

The 70s and 80s were times best to forget

The Packers were losing and Lombardi was dead

And it looked like the Pack was sinking further into the mire

But the 90s got us Wolf, Holmgren and Favre

It was like manna to a Packer Nation half-starved

And it wasn’t too long before the Pack regained its fire

There was a Super Bowl trophy and the wins were many

And Packer Nation became the Land O’ Plenty

Then they lost to the Broncos, but we don’t talk about that

Now they got Rodgers and Driver connecting on passes

And Matthews and Raji to sack their asses

Plus one more trophy to put where the other twelve are at

CHORUS

Now we’re green and we’re gold

As the story’s often told

A small town team they could not push around

Yeah, we’re green and we’re gold

With all the brandy we can hold

Nobody’s gonna keep our Packers down

Yeah nobody’s gonna keep our Packers down

And that’s why they call Green Bay “Titletown”

©2012 Bill Klein

Limericks for Sep 10, 2012

Here are my limerick entries for the week of 9 Sep 2012. They can be found, along with other people's entries (which, in a perfect world for me, would be of no interest to you) at Madeleine Begun Kane's Humor Blog.

This week's first line: "A fellow/woman was planning a spread..."

A woman was planning a spread
Of her legs with her lover in bed
But before they could sin
Her bi husband walked in
So they had a threesome instead

Plus this two-verse ditty:

A fellow was planning a spread

For a concert by the Grateful Dead

He lost the hash brownies

(His mother had downed these)

So his guests had to settle for reds

The fellow abandoned his spread

To search for his mother instead

He found her backstage

With a man half her age

Rhymes with “Truckin’”, no more need be said

Mama vs. The Zombies

An original compositon inspired by the Facebook post "Mommy, Why Did You Shoot Daddy In The Head? - Explaining the Zombie Apocalypse To Your Children."

The chords are, alas, only in my head at this time. Not to worry, they have plenty of room. As soon as I can figure them out, I will repost accordingly.

Mama vs. The Zombies

It was a dark and stormy night when Daddy headed up our walk

Mama noticed something strange, and told us not to talk

Then quickly as she sent us off to bed

She grabbed that trusty shotgun, and blew off Daddy’s head

She aimed and pulled the trigger, and shot him full of lead

Now he’s dead

She said Daddy was a Zombie, he’d come to kill us all

And if she didn’t stop him, we would die

He’d scoop our brains and eat ‘em just like they was melon balls

And that’s why Mama drilled him, right between the eyes

Well, I won’t forget the sight, not ‘til long after I’m gone

Seein’ my own Zombie Daddy, a-lyin’ on the lawn

Mama told us as she checked the front and back

Said Daddy didn’t have the brains for more than a light snack

To refresh the Zombie army, before they would attack

But she’s got our back

She said Daddy was a Zombie, he was one of the Undead

He’d feast upon the stuff inside our skulls

An’ that was why she grabbed the gun and shot him in the head

If she’d let him get to us, we’d soon be empty hulls

So people hear me far and wide, and listen to my plea

If you got yourselves a shotgun, then keep it near to thee

And listen to the story that I tell

When you see the Zombies comin’, just give us all a yell

Then give the gun to Mama, and she’ll blow them straight to hell

All is well

She said Daddy was a Zombie, and there’s many more around

They’re behind every corner, tree and wall

So grab the nearest gun and put those suckers in the ground

It’s Zombie Armageddon, and we’ve got to kill ‘em all

The Apocalypse’s upon us, so people let’s stand tall

Daddy’s dead…

Now who’s gonna drive the truck?

Mama can’t drive stick…

Copyright 2012 by Bill Klein. All rights reserved, if I have any left.

Okie From Muskogee Revisited

For reasons I won't get into, the old Merle Haggard song “Okie from Muskogee” popped into my head and wouldn't go away. I also realized the lyrics were hopelessly outdated...which, naturally, challenged me. 

Now, there is some question as to whether the original was a genuinely sincere statement or a snarky bit of irony. Haggard himself seems to change his story depending on the national mood. However, taking into account that he also wrote "The Fightin' Side of Me", I tend to believe it is the former, but it is to Haggard's credit (or detriment) that "Okie" is bad enough to be taken either way, depending on the number of digits in your IQ.

More likely, Haggard wrote it for a simpler reason: to make money. Catering to your base's worst extincts has almost always proven to be a gold mine. That being said - irony or no - "Okie" was in serious need of updating. I thereby submit for your approval:

OKIE FROM MUSKOGEE REVISITED

(Apologies to Merle Haggard)

We all smoke marijuana in Muskogee

We don't care at all for Ecstasy

We don't go get tattoos on our peckers

We like livin' high

And pain-free

We still wear our rubbers when we're lovin'

Don't want no STDs from just a screw

We don't wear our jeans all low and baggy

Like the kids down at the local meth lab do

And I'm proud to be an Okie from Muskogee

Where all us geezers go to get fucked up

We still dip our willies down at the whorehouse

And drink white lightning from our red Solo cups

Chinese Nikes are still stylin' for manly footwear

Crocs and Birkenstocks are not allowed

Sex is still the roughest thing on campus

So son, get yourself laid, make me proud!

And I'm proud to be an Okie from Muskogee

Where all us geezers go to get fucked up

We still dip our willies down at the whorehouse

And drink white lightning from our red Solo cups

In Muskogee, Oklahoma, USA...