The Golf War

Then I dreamt that I was playing golf with President Obama, Vice-President Biden and Speaker John Boehner and it got off to a rough start because Boehner kept slicing to the right and Obama sliced to the left and I suggested that they tee off at the same time and maybe their balls would meet in the middle, speaking of balls Anthony Weiner wasn't able to make it out on the course as he dropped his cell phone in the clubhouse shower but we went ahead without him but Biden had drunk too many mimosas at brunch and he kept driving the golf cart into trees and yelling “Take that, Al Gore!” and Obama kept giving Boehner crap about how bad the Bengals were and how the Bears were going to kick their ass and by the way how about raising the debt ceiling and Boehner hit him with a 3-wood and then mercifully the beer cart came by around that time and Obama ordered a Bud Light and the rest of us laughed and called him a pussy and so he ordered a malt liquor instead and then one of the caddies said only black people drink that and the other caddy got mad and they started fighting and rolling around on the ground and into the water hazard and they kept fighting even after I said Nancy and Sarah stop that and pretty soon everybody was fighting and threatening to filibuster if Obama insisted on using a 9-iron instead of a wedge and all was bedlam until I finally was awakened by a TV commercial with Tiger Woods demonstrating how many Las Vegas strippers he could pack into a Buick Regal...

Hot Mail

Then I dreamt that all my e-mails had been made available to the public under the Freedom of Information Act and the next thing I knew Anderson Cooper was discussing all of those penis enlargement pill e-mails I was getting and why they all seemed to have been sent by my wife and then there were the notices from my bank asking why Nigerians were carting all my money out in a wheelbarrow and I had replied that they were business associates and if the on-duty rent-a-cop would please shoot them but they said they couldn't do that the guy was 87 years old and would stroke out if his gun discharged, that was why they never let him load it and pretty soon everybody knew about the free porn sites and they got so much business that their servers overloaded and they had to start charging subscription fees, total bummer, and then my Facebook account exploded due to friend requests from sexual deviants and “like” requests from several archdioceses, and all the talk show guys like Conan and Letterman and Leno and Craig Ferguson and Pat Robertson were all making jokes about me and I was invited onto The View so they could throw things at me and by the way Barbara Walters has a really weak arm but that Whoopi could pitch for the Brewers, ouch, and then Katie Couric came up and started beating on me with a rolled up newspaper while Sarah Palin was asking her what that thing was that she was hitting me with and I crawled out into the street and into a taxi but it was actually a Saab with Rachel Maddow driving while Keith Olberman waterboarded Sean Hannity in the back seat and then the computer voice woke me up by telling me that I had mail...