Tuesday, June 28, 2011

In Afghanistan

In addition to my semi-regular recurring Nightmares, I give you a song parody I composed entitled "In Afghanistan", sung to the tune of Willie Nelson's "On the Road Again." Many thanks to Facebook buddies Suzanne Hayasaki for the inspiration and Julie Dewane Schwantes for suggesting I post it here.

In Afghanistan

In Afghanistan
I really hate it in Afghanistan
The life I love is drinking beer out of a can
But I can't do that in Afghanistan

In Afghanistan
We live in tents and use a port-o-can
And it's so hot your brain will bake just like a ham
It sucks to be here in Afghanistan

We're in Afghanistan
We're a bunch of sand crabs in the midst of nowhere
We're a ragged clan
Insisting that there's something worth to save there
Au contraire...

In Afghanistan
Dodging rockets fired by Taliban
We sit in bunkers wond'ring how the hell we can
Last much longer in Afghanistan

(cue guitar and harmonica break...)

We're in Afghanistan
Like astronauts we're stranded on this moonscape
There's no exit plan
And we're scared that we're all running out of duct tape
Or coffee

In Afghanistan
I'm tired of working on my farmer's tan
But then they're paying me a hundred-fifty grand
So I guess I'll stay here in Afghanistan

War is Hell, we just do what we can...

Monday, June 20, 2011

The Golf War

Then I dreamt that I was playing golf with President Obama, Vice-President Biden and Speaker John Boehner and it got off to a rough start because Boehner kept slicing to the right and Obama sliced to the left and I suggested that they tee off at the same time and maybe their balls would meet in the middle, speaking of balls Anthony Weiner wasn't able to make it out on the course as he dropped his cell phone in the clubhouse shower but we went ahead without him but Biden had drunk too many mimosas at brunch and he kept driving the golf cart into trees and yelling “Take that, Al Gore!” and Obama kept giving Boehner crap about how bad the Bengals were and how the Bears were going to kick their ass and by the way how about raising the debt ceiling and Boehner hit him with a 3-wood and then mercifully the beer cart came by around that time and Obama ordered a Bud Light and the rest of us laughed and called him a pussy and so he ordered a malt liquor instead and then one of the caddies said only black people drink that and the other caddy got mad and they started fighting and rolling around on the ground and into the water hazard and they kept fighting even after I said Nancy and Sarah stop that and pretty soon everybody was fighting and threatening to filibuster if Obama insisted on using a 9-iron instead of a wedge and all was bedlam until I finally was awakened by a TV commercial with Tiger Woods demonstrating how many Las Vegas strippers he could pack into a Buick Regal...

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Hot Mail

Then I dreamt that all my e-mails had been made available to the public under the Freedom of Information Act and the next thing I knew Anderson Cooper was discussing all of those penis enlargement pill e-mails I was getting and why they all seemed to have been sent by my wife and then there were the notices from my bank asking why Nigerians were carting all my money out in a wheelbarrow and I had replied that they were business associates and if the on-duty rent-a-cop would please shoot them but they said they couldn't do that the guy was 87 years old and would stroke out if his gun discharged, that was why they never let him load it and pretty soon everybody knew about the free porn sites and they got so much business that their servers overloaded and they had to start charging subscription fees, total bummer, and then my Facebook account exploded due to friend requests from sexual deviants and “like” requests from several archdioceses, and all the talk show guys like Conan and Letterman and Leno and Craig Ferguson and Pat Robertson were all making jokes about me and I was invited onto The View so they could throw things at me and by the way Barbara Walters has a really weak arm but that Whoopi could pitch for the Brewers, ouch, and then Katie Couric came up and started beating on me with a rolled up newspaper while Sarah Palin was asking her what that thing was that she was hitting me with and I crawled out into the street and into a taxi but it was actually a Saab with Rachel Maddow driving while Keith Olberman waterboarded Sean Hannity in the back seat and then the computer voice woke me up by telling me that I had mail...