Hot Mail

Then I dreamt that all my e-mails had been made available to the public under the Freedom of Information Act and the next thing I knew Anderson Cooper was discussing all of those penis enlargement pill e-mails I was getting and why they all seemed to have been sent by my wife and then there were the notices from my bank asking why Nigerians were carting all my money out in a wheelbarrow and I had replied that they were business associates and if the on-duty rent-a-cop would please shoot them but they said they couldn't do that the guy was 87 years old and would stroke out if his gun discharged, that was why they never let him load it and pretty soon everybody knew about the free porn sites and they got so much business that their servers overloaded and they had to start charging subscription fees, total bummer, and then my Facebook account exploded due to friend requests from sexual deviants and “like” requests from several archdioceses, and all the talk show guys like Conan and Letterman and Leno and Craig Ferguson and Pat Robertson were all making jokes about me and I was invited onto The View so they could throw things at me and by the way Barbara Walters has a really weak arm but that Whoopi could pitch for the Brewers, ouch, and then Katie Couric came up and started beating on me with a rolled up newspaper while Sarah Palin was asking her what that thing was that she was hitting me with and I crawled out into the street and into a taxi but it was actually a Saab with Rachel Maddow driving while Keith Olberman waterboarded Sean Hannity in the back seat and then the computer voice woke me up by telling me that I had mail...