Sunday, October 14, 2012

Limericks for 20 Oct 2012

As I was busy preparing for my relocation to a new post, I skipped last week's limerick contest, sponsored, as always, by Madeleine Begun Kane's Humor Blog. Here are the entries for this week's contest:

This week's contest opening line: “A man/gal who was very refined...”

A man who was very refined
But also had sex on his mind
Emphatically proclaimed,
I truly do feel your pain”
Which was also a great pick-up line

A gal who was very refined
Preferred suitors of a similar mind
If she felt rather chipper
She'd grab hold of his zipper
It was performance art, of a kind

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Odes to Stimulants and Depressants - Fair and Balanced Limericks

A couple of beverage day limericks:

I’ve been spoiled for good coffee, it seems
Since discovering espresso machines
I keep store-bought brew distant
And don’t mention instant
Canned coffee just isn’t worth beans

An homage to beer on its day
It’s perfection in every way
But in Afghanistan
All our beer here is canned
And to make matters worse, it’s NA

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Limericks for Sep 24, 2012

Here are my entries for this week's MAD KANE HUMOR BLOG limerick contest:

This week's first line: A woman/fellow who tended to whine...

A fellow who tended to whine
Was told he'd be feeding the swine
But he discovered the gig
Involved no actual pig
And Congress never tipped him a dime

A woman who tended to whine
Didn't find her new job so divine
She said “Thanks, but no thanks,
I am going for bank!
Alaska will get along just fine.”

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Limericks for Sep 17, 2012

Here are my entries for this week's MAD KANE HUMOR BLOG limerick contest:

This week's first line: A woman/fellow was trying his/her hand..

A fellow was trying his hand
At smuggling in contraband
But a problem soon arose
With the container he chose
For the airline wouldn't allow him to stand

A woman was trying her hand
At self-satisfaction (sans man)
But when her fingers slipped
T'was a sharp little nip
From the edge of her wedding band

LATE ADDITION: OK, not an exact rhyme, but if you pronounce it a certain way, it works:


A fellow once tried his hand
Making bad movies mocking Islam
Muslims then stormed the stage
With manufactured rage
Just like Democrats and Republicans

Thursday, September 13, 2012

We’re Green and We’re Gold (The History of the Green Bay Packers)

Just in time for the first Packers-Bears game of the season, the history of the Green Packers put to song.

The verses are narrative, that is, spoken, but the chorus is sung. Sort of like "One Piece At A Time" by Johnny Cash.

We’re Green and We’re Gold (The History of the Green Bay Packers)

It was 1919, pretty long ago
When George Calhoun and ol’ Curly Lambeau
Said what we need is to start up a football team
The more they thought , the idea seemed sweet
And with the help of a company that packed canned meat
A legend was born and we’re still living their dream

Well, the crew they got together was lean and mean
Whuppin’ up on the likes of Beloit and Racine
And things seemed to be goin’ pretty well
But if they wanted to start themselves a tradition
Curly figured they needed better competition
So he hustled some money, and the Pack joined the NFL

Now we’re green and we’re gold
As the story’s often told
A small town team they tried to push around
Yeah, we’re green and we’re gold
Down the tundra we do roll
Nobody’s gonna keep our Packers down

The Packers had more talent than a person could hope
Like Johnny  Blood and the ‘Bama Antelope
Don Hutson was his name and he had hands like glue
With a sprinter’s stride and all lanky and tall
Arnie Herber had no trouble gettin’ him the ball
And once he caught it, it was off to the end zone, toodle-loo!

They were champs 6 times under Lambeau’s reign
And they played in the mud and the snow and the rain
With leather helmets, metal cleats and no face masks
It was blood and guts, we’re all in this together
And when the temps hit zero, it was Packer weather
Not counting the chill factor, in case anybody asks

Now we’re green and we’re gold
As the story’s often told
A small town team they tried to push around
Yeah, we’re green and we’re gold
As the autumn months unfold
Nobody’s gonna keep our Packers down

In the 1950’s things got kinda lean
There was Ronzani, Blackbourn and Scooter McLean
And the mighty Packers seemed destined for a fall
Just when it seemed we were at Death’s door
The bosses put in a call to New York
And Vince Lombardi came in to save us all

They had Hornung and Nitschke and Taylor and Starr
Taking on all comers from near and far
And won the NFL championship three years in a row
They pounded their rivals to a bloody hell
‘Til they said “Go pick on the AFL”
So Vince mustered the troops and won the first two Super Bowls

Now we’re green and we’re gold
As the story’s often told
A small town team they tried to push around
Yeah, we’re green and we’re gold
In a place that gets damned cold
Nobody’s gonna keep our Packers down

The 70s and 80s were times best to forget
The Packers were losing and Lombardi was dead
And it looked like the Pack was sinking further into the mire
But the 90s got us Wolf, Holmgren and Favre
It was like manna to a Packer Nation half-starved
And it wasn’t too long before the Pack regained its fire

There was a Super Bowl trophy and the wins were many
And Packer Nation became the Land O’ Plenty
Then they lost to the Broncos, but we don’t talk about that
Now they got Rodgers and Driver connecting on passes
And Matthews and Raji to sack their asses
Plus one more trophy to put where the other twelve are at

Now we’re green and we’re gold
As the story’s often told
A small town team they could not push around
Yeah, we’re green and we’re gold
With all the brandy we can hold
Nobody’s gonna keep our Packers down
Yeah nobody’s gonna keep our Packers down
And that’s why they call Green Bay “Titletown”

©2012 Bill Klein

Monday, September 10, 2012

Limericks for Sep 10, 2012

Here are my limerick entries for the week of 9 Sep 2012. They can be found, along with other people's entries (which, in a perfect world for me, would be of no interest to you) at Madeleine Begun Kane's Humor Blog.

This week's first line: "A fellow/woman was planning a spread..."

A woman was planning a spread
Of her legs with her lover in bed
But before they could sin
Her bi husband walked in
So they had a threesome instead

Plus this two-verse ditty:

A fellow was planning a spread
For a concert by the Grateful Dead
He lost the hash brownies
(His mother had downed these)
So his guests had to settle for reds

The fellow abandoned his spread
To search for his mother instead
He found her backstage
With a man half her age
Rhymes with “Truckin’”, no more need be said

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Mama vs. The Zombies

An original compositon inspired by the Facebook post "Mommy, Why Did You Shoot Daddy In The Head? - Explaining the Zombie Apocalypse To Your Children."

The chords are, alas, only in my head at this time. Not to worry, they have plenty of room. As soon as I can figure them out, I will repost accordingly.

Mama vs. The Zombies

It was a dark and stormy night when Daddy headed up our walk
Mama noticed something strange, and told us not to talk
Then quickly as she sent us off to bed
She grabbed that trusty shotgun, and blew off Daddy’s head
She aimed and pulled the trigger, and shot him full of lead
Now he’s dead

She said Daddy was a Zombie, he’d come to kill us all
And if she didn’t stop him, we would die
He’d scoop our brains and eat ‘em just like they was melon balls
And that’s why Mama drilled him, right between the eyes

Well, I won’t forget the sight, not ‘til long after I’m gone
Seein’ my own Zombie Daddy, a-lyin’ on the lawn
Mama told us as she checked the front and back
Said Daddy didn’t have the brains for more than a light snack
To refresh the Zombie army, before they would attack
But she’s got our back

She said Daddy was a Zombie, he was one of the Undead
He’d feast upon the stuff inside our skulls
An’ that was why she grabbed the gun and shot him in the head
If she’d let him get to us, we’d soon be empty hulls

So people hear me far and wide, and listen to my plea
If you got yourselves a shotgun, then keep it near to thee
And listen to the story that I tell
When you see the Zombies comin’, just give us all a yell
Then give the gun to Mama, and she’ll blow them straight to hell
All is well

She said Daddy was a Zombie, and there’s many more around
They’re behind every corner, tree and wall
So grab the nearest gun and put those suckers in the ground
It’s Zombie Armageddon, and we’ve got to kill ‘em all
The Apocalypse’s upon us, so people let’s stand tall

Daddy’s dead…

Now who’s gonna drive the truck?

Mama can’t drive stick…

Copyright 2012 by Bill Klein. All rights reserved, if I have any left.