Okie From Muskogee Revisited

For reasons I won't get into, the old Merle Haggard song “Okie from Muskogee” popped into my head and wouldn't go away. I also realized the lyrics were hopelessly outdated...which, naturally, challenged me. 

Now, there is some question as to whether the original was a genuinely sincere statement or a snarky bit of irony. Haggard himself seems to change his story depending on the national mood. However, taking into account that he also wrote "The Fightin' Side of Me", I tend to believe it is the former, but it is to Haggard's credit (or detriment) that "Okie" is bad enough to be taken either way, depending on the number of digits in your IQ.

More likely, Haggard wrote it for a simpler reason: to make money. Catering to your base's worst extincts has almost always proven to be a gold mine. That being said - irony or no - "Okie" was in serious need of updating. I thereby submit for your approval:

OKIE FROM MUSKOGEE REVISITED

(Apologies to Merle Haggard)

We all smoke marijuana in Muskogee

We don't care at all for Ecstasy

We don't go get tattoos on our peckers

We like livin' high

And pain-free

We still wear our rubbers when we're lovin'

Don't want no STDs from just a screw

We don't wear our jeans all low and baggy

Like the kids down at the local meth lab do

And I'm proud to be an Okie from Muskogee

Where all us geezers go to get fucked up

We still dip our willies down at the whorehouse

And drink white lightning from our red Solo cups

Chinese Nikes are still stylin' for manly footwear

Crocs and Birkenstocks are not allowed

Sex is still the roughest thing on campus

So son, get yourself laid, make me proud!

And I'm proud to be an Okie from Muskogee

Where all us geezers go to get fucked up

We still dip our willies down at the whorehouse

And drink white lightning from our red Solo cups

In Muskogee, Oklahoma, USA...